I am continuing to learn, sort of, how to alter my life to accommodate this new road I had not chosen. I have often thought that I was not given classes nor lessons on how to be a wife, nor a mother, both things that I eagerly sought, and I jumped into with both feet. But this caregiver role was not sought, but it has became an extension of my role as wife. So I put one foot in front of the other, try to keep a stiff upper lip, try to keep calm and carry on, and hope to do my best. The problem is I sometimes get angry, or say things I wish I hadn't; then I feel guilty, and cry, and I am aware that I have not yet arrived at the worse part.....whatever and whenever that will be. It reminds me of author Ernie Gann's quote: I'm clinging to the wreckage. Good grief! I had not intended to spill all around....I am just babbling. Best I remember another quote: It's not the load that breaks you down, it's how you carry it.
This is a gripping comment. I think it can either depress or inspire, or maybe both over time.
ReplyDeleteInspiring. Truly. Certainly the only power we have is in choosing our response, choosing our attitude (as Uncle Ken would encourage): inspiration over depression. However, I know that's not necessarily easy. Maybe simple, but not easy. As one response, may I share some powerful quotes by Eckhart Tolle that have helped - and continue to help - inspire me in rough times...
ReplyDelete"If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace. If peace mattered to you more than anything else and if you knew yourself to be spirit rather than a little me, you would remain nonreactive and absolutely alert when confronted with challenging people and situations. You would immediately accept the situation and thus become one with it rather than separate yourself from it. Then, out of your alertness would come a response. Who you are (consciousness), not who you think you are (a small me), would be responding. It would be powerful and effective and would make no person or situation into an enemy. Choose peace."
"All inner resistance is experienced as negativity in one form or another. All negativity is resistance.
The ego believes that through negativity it can manipulate reality and get what it wants. It believes that through it, it can attract a desirable condition or dissolve an undesireable one. If "you" - the mind - did not believe that unhappiness works, why would you create it? The fact is, of course, that negativity does not work. Instead of attracting a desirable condition, it stops it from arising. Instead of dissolving an undesirable one, it keeps it in place. Its only "useful" function is that it strengthens the ego, and that is why the ego loves it.
Once you have identified with some sort of negativity, you do not want to let go, and on a deeply unconscious level, you do not want positive change. It would threaten your identity as a depressed, angry, or hard-done-by person. You will then ignore, deny, or sabotage the positive in your life. This is a common phenomenon. It is also insane.
FOCUS ATTENTION ON THE FEELING INSIDE YOU. Know that it is the pain-body. Accept that it is there. Don't think about it -- don't let the feeling turn into thinking. Don't judge or analyze. Don't make an identity for yourself out of it. Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you.
Become aware not only of the emotional pain but also of 'the one who observes,' the silent watcher. This is the power of the Now, the power of your own conscious presence. Then see what happens."
As one counselor put it: It's not the life you chose, but it's the life you got.
ReplyDelete"Good friends are like angels.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to see them
To know that they are there."
Heard about a new book: THe Unsung Heros, by Judith London. It is aimed at caregivers....for Alzheimers patients and others with such diseases.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the honesty of this post, because I too have felt this way many times. I know how I "should" be: stoic and strong, compassionate and understanding at every turn, but I have found that I'm merely human, and am susceptible to feeling the anger and guilt mentioned by the poster. I see her being fully reality based; she is aware of her anger and guilt and it hurts. She is coming to grips with her new role as caregiver and she is doing it as well as anyone thrust into this new type of reality can be. May you continue learning well. You have my full regards.
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